Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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