Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
