Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
this beer tastes like vomit already
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
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