I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
