I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
Randomize
