just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
