im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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