I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
