i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Randomize
