To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Randomize
