I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
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