Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
