They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
