I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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