So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
