it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
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