and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
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