if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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