I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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