Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Randomize
