I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
