you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
