GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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