The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
Randomize
