I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
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