I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Let's get the cat blown out
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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