I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
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