the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
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