I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
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