3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
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