I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
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