me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
