Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
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