saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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