can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
