Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I can't watch pbs sober anymore
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
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I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
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All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out