i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
