There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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