You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
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