This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
so we had a 20 minute conversation and created the fb page WWND (what would Nana do?) last night after we took our Ambien...that is my definition of an overachiever
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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