Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Randomize
