I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
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