Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
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