they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
