accomplished twins. life is a go
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
