I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
