How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Randomize
