Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
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