the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
