Pappa wants mamma naked
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
