I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
