I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
