Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
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