Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Too much gin, very little bucket
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Randomize
