i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
