Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
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