i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
